The Adult store encounter

Back in 2002, I did something real smart — I walked into an adult video store. Yeah. Me. Class act. I probably had no business being there, but hey… curiosity’s a powerful thing. Curiosity built the cat — then sent it to confession.

Soon as I walk in, BAM! I get hit with a smell I still can’t identify to this day. It wasn’t bad — but it wasn’t good either. It was like incense, old carpet, and… guilt. You know that smell? “Sin No. 9 — by Glade.”

So I’m walking around, trying to look casual — which is impossible in one of those places. You can’t “browse” in an adult store. You’re either there for a reason or you’re lost. There’s no in-between.

I’m passing shelves full of candy shaped like body parts — which, by the way, who’s eating that in public? “Hey Mom, want a lollipop? No, not that one!”And then they’ve got these dice games. Each side says something like ‘kiss your partner’ or ‘remove a piece of clothing’. Yeah, because nothing says romance like rolling snake eyes on the couch.

Then it happens. I look up — and see a guy I know. Not just anyone — my buddy from the antique store! We used to chat all the time, real nice guy. Tall, about six-six, skinny, with coal-black hair. The kind of guy who could change a lightbulb without a ladder.

And here he is… holding the back of a VHS box like it’s the Dead Sea Scrolls. Studying it. Reading the “plot,” you know — because people rent those for the plot.

So I walk up, all friendly, like a moron. “Hey, dude! How you doin’?”

And man — he looked like I just caught him defrosting shame in aisle three. His whole body locked up, eyes wide. He goes, real quiet, “Doing alright.”

I ask, “Find anything good?”He mumbles, “Not so much.”

At that point, the awkwardness could’ve been cut with a butter knife. I’m thinking, I gotta get outta here before they think we came together! So I say, “Alright, see ya around,” and I shuffle off.

I glance back — his face is redder than a stop sign. He grabs a tape and heads to the counter like a man on a mission.

A few weeks later, I go into the antique store, and there he is, polishing a lamp like it insulted his family. I say, “Hey man!” and he just kinda grunts. Cold. Distant. Like I’d walked in wearing that VHS as a hat.

After that, he quit. Gone. Never saw him again.

And that’s when I learned something: people in adult video stores are like vampires. You can’t look ’em in the eye, you can’t say hello — they’ll melt right there on the floor. You say hi to someone in that place, it’s like sprinkling salt on a slug. Pssssst! Gone.